This is the most proliferate, procrastinated, unambiguous, unámonosly planned day of the week, month, year and indeed several days of my lifetime. Not to be confused with "One day", that's a bit more refined and finite to me. I could sum up all my hopes and dreams in one day - Someday. Im Always looking forward to that end result with all the accolades and the glory of success that comes with life's victories. I often look past the day to day struggles. Those daily grinds that used to begin at 6 am and end at 10 pm. Somedays I couldn't see past the clock on the wall. One day turned into the next, weeks and years just blended. Somewhere in that time I lost my self. My dream was to just take a break, a vacation. I lost my goal in life. My spirituality. I kept dreaming of someday when i was going to be happy; despite not knowing what that was. I've danced with alcohol for most of my life. Until recently I didn't understand who was leading, or the depth of the pale moon light.
Happiness is easy to find and accept if it comes in the form of a friend and alcohol was just that. Someday became a calling card, a battle cry after a long week. Happiness is not going to happen today though, not this weekend but my friend alcohol is here to make things better. This became routine. Someday somehow became everyday with alcohol. I learned after some bumpy roads and lost jobs that my friend alcohol had limits but a couple every night was OK. I deserved it. In fact I needed it. It helped me relax, wind down and goto sleep. It calmed my nerves. My buddy alcohol. My friend. My substitute for happiness someday.
In my own mind I was a legend at work. I did work hard and lots of overtime. 7 days a week when possible and that helped put a toll on my body. I was what I call a functional alcoholic. Eventually I suffered a course of physical ailments that left me disabled. Someday became right now and I was battling to walk, talk, move my arm, use my hand, the depression was severe. I struggled to learn how to tie my shoes and I learned to celebrate those small victories. Buttons, pivoting, swallowing, stairs, all these little victories needed to be appreciated. I recently relearned this lesson with alcohol. Celebrate the small victories here too, I earned them. I was blessed, my stroke left me paralyzed on my left side for about 10 days then I started getting mobility back. It was several months of physical and occupational therapy but too much damage has left me disabled and unable to return to work. Now what? What's my someday happiness dream now? I became severely depressed. I later learned this happens to stroke survivors. Disabled people or retired people I'm guessing too. What's the point of my life if I have to live like this??? I was suicidal for months from this alone, as all that is happening I'm losing my loved ones, my brothers and sisters and my best friend one after another after another it didn't stop!!! I was running out of shoulders to cry on. I wanted soo bad to be with them. Somedays I still do and I'm getting help for this.
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? It's a movie quote from batman. My favorite line from the Joker. Well, I have. The devil has many faces and meth is one of them. Again, it came in the form of a friend from friends. Instantly I knew I would need help getting off. My body felt soo good. No more pain. I was at ease I felt peace, I was happy and felt excited even sexually stimulated. I felt alive again. I couldn't do enough, I couldn't get enough. Eventually I had stuff coming in before I was finished the stuff from the last time. I lived in psychosis for at least a year. Chasing demons, jinn, shadows, beings with knives and axes. I was literally going to war against demons. I was lost and the few times I came to sanity I tried suicide. I begged penn foundation to take me but covid prevented that. I told hospitals and my doctor. I wanted and begged God for help. Someday Lord, someday I'm just gonna give up. And I did but God didn't. GOD works in mysterious ways. He sent me the police and they locked me up in Berks County. I got 30 days to go through Withdraw. I got a p.o. and a year probation to keep me right. I got sent to Berks counciling where I went to intence out patient, I got a drug and alcohol councilor, a therapist, a caseworker and a psychiatrist... GOD ANSWERED ME!!!! HE wasnt done. I'm stubborn. I continued to drink for the last 4 years ( minus this year) and danced with meth again so back to jail I went. This is not the someday I dreamed of! Serious change has to be made permanent and a real effort has to be made this time, including alcohol. I promised myself I would do this for me. I can't lie to myself. This time has been given to me, blessed to me. Two years on parole this time, I.O.P again, a councilor Kiara thank you and anger management. it's the realization that today is my someday.
Today!!!!